Tacos & Chocolate

I am coming home for the first time, in about a week.  I am experiencing a huge mix of feelings.  I wasn't going to write about this, but then I felt that tug reminding me that it is important to be real.  To show people the great, the beautiful, the inspiring as well as the sad, the confused and the emotional.  My emotions leading up to coming home for the first time in a year from Haiti are all of those things smashed together.

I have been to America since coming to Haiti.  I have been to America twice.  But both of those times I was nowhere near home.  Once I was in Florida and once in Texas.  Both are totally different cultures (and warmer) than Connecticut.  People keep asking me if I am excited to come home.  This is where I start hemming and hawing with the response.  Yes and No.  Yes I am, without a single doubt in my mind, over the moon excited to see my family and friends.  Especially those who haven't made it to Haiti to see me.  I have a lot of people who are very important to me who I haven't seen in almost a year.  There are other things (besides seeing my people) that I am legitimately excited for;  going to my home church and worshiping in the way that we do at Valley, to have the opportunity to share at church and in groups what has been going on here in Haiti and all of the progress the ministry has made, as well as all of the food I have been craving and dreaming about.

But there are also a lot of things that really scare me about America.  The comforts, the way most people will not understand anything about living the way I live, the lack of community living, the English (this may surprise you I no longer think in English, Creole has become a comfort and a preference), being overwhelmed (stores, people, wastefulness, consumerism), driving (limiting my beeping, passing, disregard for speed - I no longer drive like an American - watch out!!).  Then there is the double-side to coming home.  I get frustrated but then find myself needing to not be frustrated when people ask me about coming home.  People do not realize that I am not coming home, I am traveling to see my friends and family for the holidays.  You know that old phrase, that one that is cross-stitched on pillows and hanging on front doors all over: Home is where the Heart is.  Well, if that is true (and I thoroughly believe it to be), Haiti is my home.

Am I excited to see everyone?  Absolutely.  But please extend me some grace, with seeing everyone I am also leaving my home.  Coming back to America will be exciting but it also means;
Leaving my kids and knowing that they are missing me half as much as I am missing them.
Leaving my kids without our normal routine and structure that we have fallen into.
Leaving my roommate without someone to be with her.
Leaving and missing school vacation to spend extra time with the kids.
Leaving my Godson and his family with no way to contact me.
Leaving my Haitian momma and all of her amazing cooking.

I am exciting to be coming, but I cannot be excited about leaving.  But as Winnie-the-Pooh says, "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying Goodbye so hard!"

I have always said that I never wanted to live in such a way that I restrict who I love out of the chance of getting hurt.  I love these kids and the community so much that it that the idea of leaving them hurts.  When I realized that, I realized just how blessed I am. How positively awesome is it that I love the work and the people that God has given me so much that even the worldly comforts of full time electricity, full time running water, paved roads, tacos, Dr. Pepper and chocolate couldn't make me excited to leave?!  When you can confidently say you like your work more than tacos and chocolate, I think it is undeniable proof (it's science actually) that you are in the right place.

I can not wait to see you all after Thanksgiving.  I will be home until the day after Christmas.  Please remember to extend grace, as will I.  As this is a new experience for me.  It is a weird thing when God separates you from the people you love.  It is beautiful thing when God gives you a new home with new people.  It is a challenge when God allows you to return to your old life.  It is a blessing to be able to navigate all of this and have people on both ends who make it more than worth it.